Monday, March 13, 2017

My girlfriend has been experiencing sex

My girlfriend has been experiencing a recurring bladder and subsequent kidney infection since early on in our relationship. We started being sexually intimate this summer. We’ve always had a challenge with her lubrication and wetness. I’m using the tools and techniques from the salon to practice, which is a lot of fun, but I hear you talk about the trust opening the doors of the connection. I feel a little stuck. What can I do to support her and is there something she can do? We are talking about moving in together, but I’m not ready for that yet, she says she is. KIM: Those are all indications of some kind of blockage. People who get, women who get chronic yeast infections or bladder infections that prevent them from being sexual are putting up a block unconsciously. There’s something there that they’re not wanting to go deeper and no, lube is not the answer. Lube is never the answer except for your ass, anyone’s ass. For the vagina—and if you’re saying that she needs or wants to use lube, then it’s again, there’s a block there. Sometimes when people have really strong physical blocks coming out, then I’ll want to make sure that they don’t have some history of abuse that hasn’t been cleared because their body, it’s been giving them a really strong block about going forward, there’s a massive discomfort there. It’s like really broaching that subject, I don’t know if you have or how much of the salon you’re sharing and doing with her, but if there’s a block, it’s communicating something on a deeper level and that it’s not—the idea isn’t to override the block and just go, “Oh, well,” and slather on a bunch of lube and pretend it’s not happening—which honestly just reinforces abuse, honestly, to the vagina or the body. It reinforces we shouldn’t talk about things, we should bury them.  Learn more at and

Every time you use lubricant, that’s what you’re doing and you reinforce numbness into the vagina. If there was any kind of past situation like that, it’s just making it even worse, even though the person might think that on the surface, “Yay! I can have sex now,” but that’s really not the actual truth of the situation. Trying to talk about what possibly is blocked, because I think your instinct is right not to move in together if these things are lurking in the space or playing a big role in the space before you resolve what they are. Again, I don’t know how much of all that you’ve discussed with your partner, but my no-lube policy and why and what physical ailments or blocks are really saying, which is, “Slow down, I have something you need to look at and I’m not going forward until we’ve resolved that.” That’s what the body is saying, is there’s some serious shit here for you to look at. Get on it and you can’t pretend anymore it’s not happening. That’s why I hate lube, it’s a great pretender, it’s a great pretender for women and for couples to say, “Oh, no, don’t worry about it, nothing is wrong, we’ll just carry on here.” All the time that you use it, you’re just reinforcing that disconnect, that disassociation with the woman and her genitals. It needs to be addressed, is my answer.

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