Monday, February 13, 2017

My ex and I used to use a g-spot massager

QUESTION: My ex and I used to use a g-spot massager pretty much any time I wasn’t hard but we wanted to have sex. It was like an instant erection just having that up my ass. Is there anything bad about relying on a tool for being sexually available to myself and my partner? Can I get overly reliant to the point where I can’t perform unless I have the massager in my ass? KIM: You’re going about it the reverse way that I like to go about things, which is that hardness is an indication of readiness and arousal and wetness is the same thing in a woman. Yes, I think if you are being reliant on—like if you’re saying you want to have sex but you’re not hard, then I would want to know like why aren’t you hard? Something in you doesn’t want to have sex, because otherwise you’d have an erection. I think it can be a fun thing to play with, anything that amplifies sensation, but no, I don’t support a situation where you could be reliant on it or develop a reliance on it. I’d want to be going back to do the work, what’s up with your erection and why are you not responding, like if you say you want to have sex, something in you doesn’t. You need to go back and bridge that gap. Like I say, the two checkpoints are always emotional, what’s your connection, your current temperature with your partner, and physical, like do you need other stimulation? Learn more at

QUESTION: During sex, it often seems like there is a period where there is a lull and I go soft after 30 minutes. Is it normal to lose sensation and erectness during sex? Is it okay to stimulate myself back into go- mode? I know that when I start thinking negative thoughts about losing my erection that I won’t get it back, but if I stay calm, self-loving and self-accepting—which helps my partner have those same feelings about it— the erection will return. Is this normal or should I be trying to avoid that? KIM: My first question is, what’s going on during the lull? What’s happening? What you’re saying when you’re saying “during sex,” and I’m assuming that means during penetration and if you’re able to penetrate a woman for 30 minutes, that’s fantastic. I guess what’s happening, if you can try to analyze what’s going on in the lull that seems to be contributing to the lull? I really love what you said about staying calm and self-loving and self-accepting, which is amazing. I mean, if that’s doing the trick, then stay with that, obviously. When you say, “Should I be trying to avoid that,” I’m not sure what you mean you’re trying to avoid. Obviously not getting upset with yourself, but just from what you said, I love that you’re applying self-love and acceptance in the situation and staying really in tune with yourself that way and then try to figure out what’s happening. Is there something physical that you do at that point, do you need to stop and do some oral sex, like just to shift things a little bit where you’re not fully engaged, like you’re on auto pilot to some degree and then you’re losing your erection. Learn more at

QUESTION: We were recently at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico and I’d been teasing my partner a lot. I’d been eating her daily, gave her an orgasm with tongue and finger and I’d been wanting her to really want me and beg for my cock, but she hadn’t. This means I’ve been lavishing a lot of attention on her body and been getting no orgasmic satisfaction for myself. I’ve been reading the book Rejection Proof and this has helped me deal with it, but I do get frustrated, overly energetic, and a bit resentful when my sexual energy builds without release. I feel especially frustrated that I couldn’t replicate your experience when you are ready for your partner. We finally ended up having sex on day three after she watched me do yoga with lots of energy just exploding everywhere out of me as I was trying to channel my excess sexual energy. What does this mean? Are we not meant for each other? That she accepts sex and pleasure from me but doesn’t reciprocate, does that mean she’s a taker and not a giver? That I’ve been doing a lot of the men’s work, I haven’t been acting like Mr. Nice Guy and I should look at my pattern to stop attracting a woman who likes pleasers and takes what they can from me but lacks capacity to give back pleasure to her man? KIM: There could be lacks capacity, but I would also say lacks attraction. Like if a woman is content to just receive touch and pleasure and not reciprocate, I would say that her desire and attraction and love for you is less. Otherwise, a woman is going to step up to the plate. If she’s not feeling as much attraction, then she’s going to be pretty happy to just lay back and let somebody service her. I would be taking a deeper look at the relationship. The foreplay, like in my experience, was very mutual. It wasn’t just the man giving me lots of pleasure—although he did—but there was a lot of mutual play and connection and a constant simmering. Even in the middle of that vacation where I talk about my six-day sex date, that we would go hiking or whatever, but there would still be this hum, this buzz of energy, plus he wasn’t obviously within that very long build up of foreplay, he wasn’t ejaculating, so his energy—he didn’t really ejaculate that much anyway—but his energy was very high for the most part. Even when he did ejaculate, he wouldn’t lose a lot of energy anyway, so there really wasn’t this dip that happened. I was very, very much an equal participant energetically and sexually.

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